Today I did one of the hardest things I've ever done; I asked a group of people that want the best for me and expect great things from me, to watch me fail. That's just the latest of all this though.
At my college, among my group of friends I have been getting pushed aside into a corner. I've been letting it happen, I know I have. There are things that people are doing and saying that is somewhat socially acceptable here in the world but would be detestable in the church. And because I am scared of ruining friendships or making myself into someone I don't like I just let things slide by. I mean, if I can't change it by power, and those with authority choose to do nothing what is my place to do anything. I know I am supposed to be a "reformer" a "world-changer", but my soul feels as if it starts dying when I do that. Yes, I know in religious language 'The soul is meant to die and must be thoroughly removed before good can come from you'(said in a matter-of-fact/holier-than thou tone). Yes, I know purging/cleansing will hurt, but I know that pain and the pain I have been feeling when I try to become that "Super-Christian" are not the same. It all feels so much like I'm putting on a mask. I am a wretch and I look like one, yet I have been redeemed by His grace and have learned so I am able to help others, but I can't stand having to spiritually put on my "three-piece-suit" just so I can talk to people. That's BS. I don't want to change who I am and what I look like just so I can fit into someone else's expectations. Yes, I should be respectful and not go wallow in dirt before meeting people I m to help, but I shouldn't have to slick back my hair and dress up to meet someone for a meal when they might open up their heart and tell me what's going on.
I'm sick of making my outside look like what people expect/want it to. I am who I am and I will follow the Lord all my life, but don't tell me that I'm not "handsome" enough or well-dressed enough to earn the Kingdom. I will correct you.
That makes me think of another thing that has been disturbing to me lately. There are some people here that have been trying to convert people into believing wrong/weird/bad theology and somehow they always find me and ask me about it when I have to been somewhere else. I would LOVE to hear what they have to say and tell them truth about how they are wrong. But they find me when I HAVE to be somewhere, it's like they know or something. That angers me that people are spreading false theology and I'm not able to correct them on it. GAH!!!
Am I alone in this?(That phrase throws me a parallel thought to Elijah after Mt. Carmel and his showdown with the prophets of Baal. When he is hiding for his life from Jezebel and thinking he is the only one left who stands for God he asks Him that question. To which God answers that He has reserved 7,000 people for Himself that have not bent their knee towards Baal.[Whenever you want to show me the 7,000 would be great Lord. Let it be in Your timing, but strengthen me and help me through all of this until that time comes.])
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