Today I did one of the hardest things I've ever done; I asked a group of people that want the best for me and expect great things from me, to watch me fail. That's just the latest of all this though.
At my college, among my group of friends I have been getting pushed aside into a corner. I've been letting it happen, I know I have. There are things that people are doing and saying that is somewhat socially acceptable here in the world but would be detestable in the church. And because I am scared of ruining friendships or making myself into someone I don't like I just let things slide by. I mean, if I can't change it by power, and those with authority choose to do nothing what is my place to do anything. I know I am supposed to be a "reformer" a "world-changer", but my soul feels as if it starts dying when I do that. Yes, I know in religious language 'The soul is meant to die and must be thoroughly removed before good can come from you'(said in a matter-of-fact/holier-than thou tone). Yes, I know purging/cleansing will hurt, but I know that pain and the pain I have been feeling when I try to become that "Super-Christian" are not the same. It all feels so much like I'm putting on a mask. I am a wretch and I look like one, yet I have been redeemed by His grace and have learned so I am able to help others, but I can't stand having to spiritually put on my "three-piece-suit" just so I can talk to people. That's BS. I don't want to change who I am and what I look like just so I can fit into someone else's expectations. Yes, I should be respectful and not go wallow in dirt before meeting people I m to help, but I shouldn't have to slick back my hair and dress up to meet someone for a meal when they might open up their heart and tell me what's going on.
I'm sick of making my outside look like what people expect/want it to. I am who I am and I will follow the Lord all my life, but don't tell me that I'm not "handsome" enough or well-dressed enough to earn the Kingdom. I will correct you.
That makes me think of another thing that has been disturbing to me lately. There are some people here that have been trying to convert people into believing wrong/weird/bad theology and somehow they always find me and ask me about it when I have to been somewhere else. I would LOVE to hear what they have to say and tell them truth about how they are wrong. But they find me when I HAVE to be somewhere, it's like they know or something. That angers me that people are spreading false theology and I'm not able to correct them on it. GAH!!!
Am I alone in this?(That phrase throws me a parallel thought to Elijah after Mt. Carmel and his showdown with the prophets of Baal. When he is hiding for his life from Jezebel and thinking he is the only one left who stands for God he asks Him that question. To which God answers that He has reserved 7,000 people for Himself that have not bent their knee towards Baal.[Whenever you want to show me the 7,000 would be great Lord. Let it be in Your timing, but strengthen me and help me through all of this until that time comes.])
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Old and New
This is an interesting time, last weekend most of my oldest and dearest friends moved back home and this weekend I will meet many people who I will come to know and love almost as much. I seem to be caught in the midst of things that I do not understand. Time keeps proceeding forward moving us down the paths God has chosen for us, and even though many of our lives are intertwined(some to the very core) that does not mean we will always be together. We may share our lives and our hearts with whoever we want however much we please, but there is no power, no ability in us to keep them with us. But we don't really want to, we want the very best for them no matter what, trying to keep them is just a way of settling for good, maybe even great, but neither is best. So we say "Goodbye" but it is never "goodbye" always "until we meet again", and we will meet again whether it is a few months, years, decades(hopefully not) from now, no matter when it happens, it will happen and that will be a very joyous reunion.
Knowing we will be together again does soften the blow, but it still hurts so much. For me it is strange, I feel the pain, I recognize the urge to cry to somehow show what is going on inside of me. To say that "Yes, no matter how cold I seem, no matter how heartless, and empty I am. I still hurt deeply when sadness strikes." I hear often about how painful love is, how the pain is great, yet it's dwarfed by the joy that is brought, though at times it is good to feel the pain. I can feel pain, I do it very well, but I am even better at masking it, shoving the pain into a deep dark corner that even though I say is there and try to show it to others, somehow it always avoids detection. I wish I knew the pain of love, I think that will help me become complete. I am sure Jesus very keenly felt all the pain He bore on the Cross for us, yet maybe because He knew the pain so well, He was able to see the joy so very much clearer and the helped resolve His will to finish what He came to do.
I can see the sun starting to come out from behind the clouds though. Because this weekend, many great new friends will be met for the first time. I do not know for certain what lies ahead of me for the days and years ahead, but I am sure of one thing, I will not be facing them alone. My God never leaves me or forsakes me. My dear friends, brothers and sisters, who are so many miles away, Bah what are miles? They mean nothing to us, true I may not be able to touch them, but I can touch their hearts and they mine. I have older friends who I knew and forgot, but am now at a place to reestablish our friendships and let them grow deeper in ground that is both old and new. And I have physical brothers and sisters,while our relationships may not look like what you'd expect, they are good.
So I say bring on the new challenges and trials. I am not afraid, I have been made ready and prepared for these coming days. The days will likely be long and hard, but the best things in life are almost never handed to you on a silver platter, you must go, work, and succeed.
Knowing we will be together again does soften the blow, but it still hurts so much. For me it is strange, I feel the pain, I recognize the urge to cry to somehow show what is going on inside of me. To say that "Yes, no matter how cold I seem, no matter how heartless, and empty I am. I still hurt deeply when sadness strikes." I hear often about how painful love is, how the pain is great, yet it's dwarfed by the joy that is brought, though at times it is good to feel the pain. I can feel pain, I do it very well, but I am even better at masking it, shoving the pain into a deep dark corner that even though I say is there and try to show it to others, somehow it always avoids detection. I wish I knew the pain of love, I think that will help me become complete. I am sure Jesus very keenly felt all the pain He bore on the Cross for us, yet maybe because He knew the pain so well, He was able to see the joy so very much clearer and the helped resolve His will to finish what He came to do.
I can see the sun starting to come out from behind the clouds though. Because this weekend, many great new friends will be met for the first time. I do not know for certain what lies ahead of me for the days and years ahead, but I am sure of one thing, I will not be facing them alone. My God never leaves me or forsakes me. My dear friends, brothers and sisters, who are so many miles away, Bah what are miles? They mean nothing to us, true I may not be able to touch them, but I can touch their hearts and they mine. I have older friends who I knew and forgot, but am now at a place to reestablish our friendships and let them grow deeper in ground that is both old and new. And I have physical brothers and sisters,while our relationships may not look like what you'd expect, they are good.
So I say bring on the new challenges and trials. I am not afraid, I have been made ready and prepared for these coming days. The days will likely be long and hard, but the best things in life are almost never handed to you on a silver platter, you must go, work, and succeed.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
What Will You Miss?
So, it's late June, in about 8 weeks the five members of my MC class that came for a second year will be back at their homes, and I will be getting started with college life. So many things will start changing, well they've already started to change, that's just when everyone will really see it. I was thinking about this and I started thinking about what I will miss when they're gone. The talks, the stupid stuff, and the times when we just get to be together and not really have to worry about other things or what others might think. I know that during our MC year there were things I missed, opportunities not taken because I was afraid or bound in such a way I couldn't do it. So I do miss some things from then, but not too much because I don't want to live in the past, I want to remember and learn from it so that my now and future will somehow be better.
All this stuff got a question rolling through my head "What will you miss?". When people are gone, and things are no longer the same, what will you miss? It's a pretty weighty question. Because it's just not about the thing or the activity, it's about the person that made it special, memorable. So I guess that makes it, "Who will you miss?" but that doesn't seem to carry the same amount of weight. Because you will miss different people different amounts and in different ways. And you have people like me, who miss people a lot, but don't seem to be missed, people who choose to try hard enough to keep people from maybe missing them because they're scared of finding out that they aren't. Which really sucks, because then you become needy(at least somewhat) and wonder what's going on when you hear about others being told they're missed, but *strangely* you haven't heard anything like that.
Anyways, back to the question, it makes me think apocalyptic. If the end of the world was tomorrow, what would you miss? What would you choose to do, and with who? I know that these questions usually prompt the last-ditch answers like: break laws, profess love to secret crushes, jump off a mountain, etc. and so forth.
I don't care about that stuff(well not in this context) those are the answers as if everything will end. What if everything doesn't end, just the world does? Strange thought huh? The end of the world doesn't mean the end of everything. This question prompts a whole system of prioritizing what you do into the things that really matter the most to you. Sure, you might not go plant a tree to help the Earth, but you might go climb one with some friends and for a little while regain part of your childhood. Sure, you might not take the one you love on an airplane to an exotic country to enjoy a meal while you serenade them in the native language, but you might take the time to write a note saying how much you care about them then go watch a sunset/rise together.
Throughout Ecclesiastes Solomon talks about how he has searched out everything under the sun(outside of Christ) and found everything to be meaningless except to eat, drink, and enjoy life. It's not the extravagant things that are most important, it's the simple things. The times of touching someone else's heart is worth so very very much more then touching their soul. That is what needs to be done. And it may be just a hunch, but I believe that that is what will be missed too.
So. What will you miss? and What are you going to do about it?
All this stuff got a question rolling through my head "What will you miss?". When people are gone, and things are no longer the same, what will you miss? It's a pretty weighty question. Because it's just not about the thing or the activity, it's about the person that made it special, memorable. So I guess that makes it, "Who will you miss?" but that doesn't seem to carry the same amount of weight. Because you will miss different people different amounts and in different ways. And you have people like me, who miss people a lot, but don't seem to be missed, people who choose to try hard enough to keep people from maybe missing them because they're scared of finding out that they aren't. Which really sucks, because then you become needy(at least somewhat) and wonder what's going on when you hear about others being told they're missed, but *strangely* you haven't heard anything like that.
Anyways, back to the question, it makes me think apocalyptic. If the end of the world was tomorrow, what would you miss? What would you choose to do, and with who? I know that these questions usually prompt the last-ditch answers like: break laws, profess love to secret crushes, jump off a mountain, etc. and so forth.
I don't care about that stuff(well not in this context) those are the answers as if everything will end. What if everything doesn't end, just the world does? Strange thought huh? The end of the world doesn't mean the end of everything. This question prompts a whole system of prioritizing what you do into the things that really matter the most to you. Sure, you might not go plant a tree to help the Earth, but you might go climb one with some friends and for a little while regain part of your childhood. Sure, you might not take the one you love on an airplane to an exotic country to enjoy a meal while you serenade them in the native language, but you might take the time to write a note saying how much you care about them then go watch a sunset/rise together.
Throughout Ecclesiastes Solomon talks about how he has searched out everything under the sun(outside of Christ) and found everything to be meaningless except to eat, drink, and enjoy life. It's not the extravagant things that are most important, it's the simple things. The times of touching someone else's heart is worth so very very much more then touching their soul. That is what needs to be done. And it may be just a hunch, but I believe that that is what will be missed too.
So. What will you miss? and What are you going to do about it?
Here We Go
So, I'm confused. And not just about why I have to re-create a blog address for each blog(fixed 6/26/2011). It would be easier to just have one blog page and then write however many blogs you want on said page and everyone would be happy. Though I guess that would make it a little more like Myspace, having a main page with separate sections for each thing(blog).
Anyways, here's the other thing I'm confused about. How do you get people to trust you? I know, I know years and years of trustworthy behavior and not giving people a reason to doubt you or your capabilities. Yes I'm human, no I can't master every craft and/or language within five minutes of trying/seeing it for the first time and I make small mistakes every now and then. Whoop-di-freakin'-do. Who HASN'T made a mistake??(Jesus) And you know what makes it harder to do everything right? When you don't receive enough instruction, or the kind of instruction to let you know what to do. Here's an extreme example of that: If you're teaching a blind person how to read Braille, you're not going to let them feel the bump that represents "A" then point to the text letter "A" and say "These are the same thing.". NO! You are going to understand that they need a different kind of instruction so you are going to cater to their needs in order to teach them.(done with that example) For people who aren't blind, they have no learning or physical handicap,guess what. Some of them are going to learn differently then others. Why? Because EVERYONE is different. Therefore we must cater to their individual needs, to the best of our ability to do so. We are not or should not try using one method of teaching to teach everyone. It may be hard, but that's okay.
So there's all of that and guess what? That's not all. So back to the issue of getting someone to trust you. If you have done all that you know how to do for years(for me it'd be about 20, 11 at least) and proven yourself reliable and faithful time and time again AND been rewarded for that by someone, you would expect that person to trust you. Apparently people are a mystery because the person that I am specifically talking about still doesn't trust me or try to teach me according to how I am best suited to be taught. I guess that responsibility falls to me also then... I'm tired of it. Yes I am destined for leadership, yes I desire it. But no, NO I want it to be handed down to me not dropped completely and I have to scramble to catch it and pick and pieces of it before I can put it back together again(as best as I can, because I don't even know what it actually looks like) My heart and soul cry out for this, for responsibility and authority to be handed down, not dropped and left collecting dust until I decide that my heart is ready to be further destroyed because I have to pick up authority and responsibility the wrong way because no one is there to hand it down.
That is what kills the heart of the Beloved Son, or has been killing it in me. To see the tragedy of things left decaying and untouched with no one holding it, especially when I watch the person that should be carrying it continue to saunter down a road of passivity and... what, what how to say it? Hopelessness?Not-caring?Bleghh...? I have a heart in me, I CARE for people, if I am able I will do all that I can to save them or help live their lives without something missing because someone isn't carrying their responsibility and shows no intention of picking it up. That's what kills me, carrying what I shouldn't because no one else will and people will get hurt if it's not being carried. Maybe that's what I have to do. Stop, just stop taking care of other people's responsibilities and let them see all the pain and chaos it will cause. 'OOoohh! Yes and then when they confront me about why I stopped I can throw it back into their face and say "Because I got tired of doing your job and thought that this was the only way to get your attention so that you would know what was needed."[All of the italicized stuff is dripping with sarcasm, though it is still true... sadly...]' I don't know if I can do that though. That would be the hardest thing I have ever done, and 'm scared of what will happen, scared of hurting all those people. What if I'm the reason they fall away or bear scars for life of the unnecessary pain that I caused?
Anyways, that's what I'm confused about, and scared about. I'm off for now, I'll be back sometime.
Anyways, here's the other thing I'm confused about. How do you get people to trust you? I know, I know years and years of trustworthy behavior and not giving people a reason to doubt you or your capabilities. Yes I'm human, no I can't master every craft and/or language within five minutes of trying/seeing it for the first time and I make small mistakes every now and then. Whoop-di-freakin'-do. Who HASN'T made a mistake??(Jesus) And you know what makes it harder to do everything right? When you don't receive enough instruction, or the kind of instruction to let you know what to do. Here's an extreme example of that: If you're teaching a blind person how to read Braille, you're not going to let them feel the bump that represents "A" then point to the text letter "A" and say "These are the same thing.". NO! You are going to understand that they need a different kind of instruction so you are going to cater to their needs in order to teach them.(done with that example) For people who aren't blind, they have no learning or physical handicap,guess what. Some of them are going to learn differently then others. Why? Because EVERYONE is different. Therefore we must cater to their individual needs, to the best of our ability to do so. We are not or should not try using one method of teaching to teach everyone. It may be hard, but that's okay.
So there's all of that and guess what? That's not all. So back to the issue of getting someone to trust you. If you have done all that you know how to do for years(for me it'd be about 20, 11 at least) and proven yourself reliable and faithful time and time again AND been rewarded for that by someone, you would expect that person to trust you. Apparently people are a mystery because the person that I am specifically talking about still doesn't trust me or try to teach me according to how I am best suited to be taught. I guess that responsibility falls to me also then... I'm tired of it. Yes I am destined for leadership, yes I desire it. But no, NO I want it to be handed down to me not dropped completely and I have to scramble to catch it and pick and pieces of it before I can put it back together again(as best as I can, because I don't even know what it actually looks like) My heart and soul cry out for this, for responsibility and authority to be handed down, not dropped and left collecting dust until I decide that my heart is ready to be further destroyed because I have to pick up authority and responsibility the wrong way because no one is there to hand it down.
That is what kills the heart of the Beloved Son, or has been killing it in me. To see the tragedy of things left decaying and untouched with no one holding it, especially when I watch the person that should be carrying it continue to saunter down a road of passivity and... what, what how to say it? Hopelessness?Not-caring?Bleghh...? I have a heart in me, I CARE for people, if I am able I will do all that I can to save them or help live their lives without something missing because someone isn't carrying their responsibility and shows no intention of picking it up. That's what kills me, carrying what I shouldn't because no one else will and people will get hurt if it's not being carried. Maybe that's what I have to do. Stop, just stop taking care of other people's responsibilities and let them see all the pain and chaos it will cause. 'OOoohh! Yes and then when they confront me about why I stopped I can throw it back into their face and say "Because I got tired of doing your job and thought that this was the only way to get your attention so that you would know what was needed."[All of the italicized stuff is dripping with sarcasm, though it is still true... sadly...]' I don't know if I can do that though. That would be the hardest thing I have ever done, and 'm scared of what will happen, scared of hurting all those people. What if I'm the reason they fall away or bear scars for life of the unnecessary pain that I caused?
Anyways, that's what I'm confused about, and scared about. I'm off for now, I'll be back sometime.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Test Run
Is this where I type my blog?? maybe?
AHA!! Yes it is.
Okay, so blog time. Well I was going to title this "These times" but then was messing around to get it to work and put in "Test run" and that seems much better to me.
So, with me I'm getting into my time for heading to college. Where I don't know, but I'm now checking them out on top of working 40 hours a week and attending two youth groups, and one men's meeting. So not too bad, because the campus visits will be few and far between.
Then these past couple of days I have had the sense that God was wanting me to make sure that I told people how I felt about them. To me it felt like I was saying "goodbye" to them, which confused me and I didn't really like so I asked God about it. He said that I was "somewhat" saying goodbye. Which to me means that there is something that is going to be/getting moved and/or replaced in me. I know that it's a good thing because God is the one doing it and ALL He does is good. That doesn't mean that it is always pain-free though. So I've been doing that today, making sure that I tell people that I love them and other things like that. I don't think it showed as a change in behavior to people or not, doesn't matter though.
I am kinda anxious about my trip to Seattle because of this though. I know that the conference is going to be phenomenal so it might have something to do with that, that will greatly change me. I've been more nervous about the flights though.
I don't know what's going to happen, worrying will only make it worse... So I'm going to just chill and wait to see what happens.
I'll talk to y'all later...
P.S.This blog was written before I found out that this is where to put it, so the description may seem a little odd.
AHA!! Yes it is.
Okay, so blog time. Well I was going to title this "These times" but then was messing around to get it to work and put in "Test run" and that seems much better to me.
So, with me I'm getting into my time for heading to college. Where I don't know, but I'm now checking them out on top of working 40 hours a week and attending two youth groups, and one men's meeting. So not too bad, because the campus visits will be few and far between.
Then these past couple of days I have had the sense that God was wanting me to make sure that I told people how I felt about them. To me it felt like I was saying "goodbye" to them, which confused me and I didn't really like so I asked God about it. He said that I was "somewhat" saying goodbye. Which to me means that there is something that is going to be/getting moved and/or replaced in me. I know that it's a good thing because God is the one doing it and ALL He does is good. That doesn't mean that it is always pain-free though. So I've been doing that today, making sure that I tell people that I love them and other things like that. I don't think it showed as a change in behavior to people or not, doesn't matter though.
I am kinda anxious about my trip to Seattle because of this though. I know that the conference is going to be phenomenal so it might have something to do with that, that will greatly change me. I've been more nervous about the flights though.
I don't know what's going to happen, worrying will only make it worse... So I'm going to just chill and wait to see what happens.
I'll talk to y'all later...
P.S.This blog was written before I found out that this is where to put it, so the description may seem a little odd.
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